this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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