if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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