oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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