Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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