If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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