man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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