I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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