I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
