I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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