I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
