just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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