just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
