I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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