Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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