My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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