so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
