i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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