I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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