if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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