Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
