Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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