i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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