My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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