I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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