omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Less talking, more tequila
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
