I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
