she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
