I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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