Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
