I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
