Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
