I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
