I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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