I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I supernannyed him into submission
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
