i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
