So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
