dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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