I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
