Swine flu is the new snow day.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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