Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's blow job season.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
