we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
