I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
