your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
