Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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