I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
