from now on my penis is your penis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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