so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
