you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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