dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
