I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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